Welcome back, dear readers! Strap in and prepare for the latest chapter of my zany Prague escapades — the night I bravely boarded a boat.
I am not a fan of boats!
Never have been and never will be. Boats and I have a mutual understanding: I do my best to stay off them while they make every effort not to toss me overboard.
Yet, here I was, ready to embrace my inner adventurer. You know what they say — life begins at the edge of your comfort zone … or drowns you, depending on your views.
Enter the Prague Boats Dinner Cruise. For the reasonable price of €69, guests are promised a three-hour magical escapade. And by magical, I mean a buffet dinner, a welcome drink (apple juice for this teetotaler), live music, and, to sweeten the deal, free Wi-Fi!
Nothing says “enjoy the scenery” like scrolling through social media while dodging waves, right? To top it off, we also received an interactive online guide. How very 21st century of us.
I opted to book through the hotel instead of online because they advertised a hotel pick-up and a complimentary 45-minute panoramic tour of Old Town. Sure, it cost an additional €35, but that was still less than the Uber ride I’d have to take from the hotel to the port. I couldn’t resist the prospect of a bonus tour, even if I had to splurge for the delightful privilege.
The driver picked me up right on schedule, and I settled into the vehicle, mentally preparing myself for what was to come.
As we cruised through the city (see what I did there 🙃), picking up other guests, I secretly made a mental note of restaurants I wanted to check out later. For instance, I located the Memory Restaurant, which I decided to check out the next day.
When we finally collected our tour guide, things took a turn — and not for the best.
I’d love to say I was captivated by her historical anecdotes, but it was more like listening to a very fast-forwarded audiobook while taking in the view. By the end of the tour, I could only conclude that the tour was actually entitled “The Fast Track Panoramic Tour of Confusion.”
Honestly, she was not speaking English. She was just mumbling in a language known only to her. This tour was a huge steaming pile of horse and cow manure mixed together and extra stinky 💩.
After enduring our lackluster tour, we finally got to the boat. If chaos were an Olympic sport, their boarding process would take the gold.
Eventually, we entered clutching our warmed welcome glasses of cheap wine, (and even cheaper apple juice for me), like they were life vests.
Our “minder” awaited us. She apparently had been trained only in the art of voucher collection and not much else. After confirming our payment, she disappeared like a magician, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Mystical!
As we drifted down the Vltava River, I began to relax. The sights? Absolutely stunning! I took in the mesmerizing views of the Charles Bridge, Rudolfinum, Dancing House, the Prague Metronome, Prague Castle, and Štvanice Island.
The live music? Decent! A lovely backdrop to my rising sense of adventure.
Dinner was served: an impressive buffet worthy of a royal feast. My mouth watered at the deliciousness laid out in front of me: mozzarella, duck pâté, goulash, ham, veggies, cheesecake and more. Oh, my tastebuds were in for a treat.
Picture a culinary wonderland, minus one crucial detail: drinks were not included. Surprise, surprise! Yeah, our minder neglected to communicate that little nugget of wisdom. However, my new best friend, 7-Up, soon became my essential lifeline.
Amid the buffet chaos, where diners were more confused than a cat at a dog park, I managed to navigate the lines and piled my plate with ham, steamed veggies, salad, duck pâté and a few pieces of bread. Returning to my table, I enjoyed my meal while soaking up the enchanting views.
For the next 90 minutes, I savored the sunset as it dipped behind the skyline, illuminating the city in golden hues.
It was blissful … until the live lounge singer decided to serenade us with “My Heart Will Go On.”
I mean, come on! Boat + Titanic theme = not the wisest choice.
It felt like we were auditioning for our own tragic romance movie. The guests at my table and I shared a look of humorous disbelief. Then we all looked out the window and took bets on who would yell “Iceberg Dead Ahead” first.
And so, I disembarked, once again in one piece, and made my way back to the mini-bus feeling both exhilarated and exhausted at the same time.
All in all, the cruise wasn’t a Titanic disaster. And who knows? Maybe someday I might brave the deep waters again. But don’t bet on that happening anytime in the near future.
Until next time, remember, Have Passport, Will Travel — preferably on solid ground!
Candy Knight's Stories 
Hilarious! 😂 Sent from my iPhone